Pillow Talk

I begin this blog as I do every other outlandish mission of mine; magnificent idea most likely to be abandoned due to boredom. Which ironically is the initial purpose of my useless babble. So why am I writing a blog? Apparently I don’t have enough juvenile online accounts (Myspace, Facebook, and Twitter), or anything productive to do with my spare time. So I thought I might as well join the nerdy web troop just to make my life a bit more boring. I will be direct in saying that I usually don’t know what I’m talking about or have any credentials behind anything I express. I’m consistently incorrect and my grammar resembles that of a third graders. I haven’t made any life changing inventions or discoveries or possess any super human talents. Consider that my disclaimer. This blog has no real worth other than to waste time and facilitate additional procrastination for the team.

This past year and a half has been one giant whirlwind. Not the sort that folks experience when they win the lottery, have their first child, or even graduate college. My whirlwind was more of being thrown in to a drier and tossed around until the buzzer decided to go off an hour late. As expected, I exited a bit beaten and bruised. The bright side is that I came out smelling fresh of Gain Joyful Fruity Expressions fabric softer. After all of the hurling and tossing I had one enormous epiphany. I vow to never date a man who gives me the crappy pillow.

I’ll be blunt, the relationships I’ve been in involved some major duds. Ok, they’ve all practically been giant duds thus far. I failed to take notice to the first most crucial and obvious red flag indicating that these men weren’t so idyllic. Had I got the memo that these lads were merely costumed early for Halloween in their Prince charming ensembles, I probably would have never slept on a sidewalk solo mid winter minus a blanket for 24 hours to purchase an x-box 360; I would have never moshed outside a radio station building at 5am while being rammed and suffocated against a man dressed as a banana all to win a San Diego trip for a foolish boy and his sidekick; or I wouldn’t of had to hold my bladder while camping for an entire weekend due to paranoia and being deathly horrified that his family just may catch a note or two of me taking a tinkle, god forbid I be human and urinate. That last sentence may qualify for the Guinness book world records longest sentence ever. I warned you, 3rd grade grammar. Boring story short, follow my recommendation and there may be a slight chance of saving your self some sanity.

The very first evening any female stays the night at a male’s home she needs to do a bit of mental note taking. Go ahead and cross your phalanges that this man’s roommate doesn’t actually share a bedroom or bunk bed with him, that his bathtub not be black from mold, or that some other girl isn’t banging on the door in the middle of the night crying for him while you panic and begin to think of an escape plan to ditch his ass. Most importantly pay close attention to which pillow you end up sleeping with.It is expected that each individual own a minimum of two pillows. All cranium cushions either place into three categories: Decorative and don’t sleep or snuggle with pillow, Soft favorite plush pillow, and most men have an old crappy needs to be thrown out flat pillow. If the not so much a of a gentleman leaves you with the drool covered flat cotton lump while he rests his noggin a tad closer to heaven, he is not a keeper. Ninety percent of the men I have dated slept with the good pillow. None of those fools were keepers. Trust me.

Listen, whether you want to accept it or not every last woman is titillated by the thought of a man protecting and prioritizing you first. If at any point a man gives you the crappy pillow and keeps the preferred padding for him self, he has clearly put himself and his own cracked egghead before you and your precious Medulla oblongata. There really isn’t much to explain or debate. We don’t want to date self-serving men. The pillow is the first indication that he genuinely isn’t thinking about your well being but his own rest. It’s that simple. I say dump the dude and peace out before you get pushed off the top bunk because that will follow shortly thereafter.